I put my coat on over my night gown and my sneakers on without tying them. The fire was still burning in the living room. It was comforting to find Adrian asleep because I thought that he never slept. Such a human act made him seem vulnerable. His head was resting on his chest and I had the desire to move it so that his neck wouldn't hurt but I didn't want to wake him.
  
    I walked to the edge of my grandparents' property, it ended in a small section of rocky beach that touched the Sound. Eugene was sitting on a log, facing the water. I hesitated in approaching him.
    "Weird, huh?" Eugene asked. He looked over his shoulder at me with his blue eyes. I recognized his husky voice, his curly hair, his muscular build. I took a few careful steps in his direction.
    "What's weird?" I questioned.
    "The thing with mom," He picked up a stone, throwing it into the water. I sat beside him on the log, "You aren't wearing any pants! You'll freeze to death."
    "You aren't doing any better in that red sweatshirt," I told him. He must've worn that sweatshirt every winter for at least ten years.
    "Here, I'll take care of this," Eugene reached out and pinched my nose. He showed me his thumb between his index and middle finger, "There. Now, that I have your nose, you can't get a head cold. There won't be any place for snot to go."
    "It could settle into my lungs."
    "You always were a pessimist."
    "What about mom?"
    "Mom wasn't a pessimist," He countered.
    "I meant what are we going to do about her?"
    He shrugged, "Knowing mom she probably wanted a fancy funeral."
    My cell phone vibrated in my coat pocket. I pulled it out and looked at the screen.
    "Who's Christian?" My brother asked as he read the screen.
    "This man that--," I trailed off. Telling Eugene about Christian didn't seem important.
    "Are you going to answer it?"
    "I don't know."
    The phone shuddered more.
    "Answer it," Eugene insisted.
    "I haven't spoken to him since he broke up with me."
    "If you don't answer it, I'll throw your phone into the water," Eugene grabbed for the phone. I held it from him.
    "Don't!"
    "I'm serious."
    "Okay. Okay," I flipped the phone open. Eugene waited for me to begin speaking.

    "Hello?" I tried to keep the nervous inflection out of my voice but I could feel my stomach sitting up in my lungs.
    "Audrey," Christian began, "I'm sorry."
    I felt weak at the sound of him. He really was on the other end of the phone.
    "What are you sorry about?"
    "Adam just told me about your mom."
    "It's okay."
    "Are you okay?"
    "I'm okay."
    He exhaled, "Do you need anything?"
    "I'm okay."
    "I'm getting a flight out. I'll be there sometime tomorrow night--"
    "You can't come here," I panicked for even having to say it. My brother looked at me curiously. I shook my head as though I couldn't explain it.
    Christian paused, taken aback, "I'm sorry. Maybe I overreacted. I should've let you explain."
    "It's not that. I know why you left me. There's a lot that you don't know."
    "About what?"
    "About me."
    "What don't I know about you?"
    I kept my eyes focused on Eugene. He had his arms folded across his chest and he was staring up at the stars.
    "My brother is dead."
    Eugene didn't acknowledge that I had said anything at all.
    "I thought that it was your mother that died?"
    "She did. My brother died five years ago."
    "I'm so sorry," Christian was apologetic to the point of it seeming as though he had killed my brother.
    "Don't say anything about it. You feeling bad is just going to make me feel worse."
    "Why wouldn't you tell me about that?"
    "It didn't seem important. I was trying to forget about it. I was trying to be someone else."
    "I'm on my way."
    There was a shuffling and a rustling in the background like zippers on luggage.
    "I've been a mess. You can't come here. I'm serious."
    "Why won't you let me be there with you?"
    "Adrian is here."
    "Wow," Christian said incredulously, "I blew it."
    "It's not what you're thinking. He showed up at the airport while I was waiting for my flight. I don't know how he found out about my mom," I hugged my knees to my chest. Eugene turned his attention from the sky to the water. I took my eyes off of him and looked in the same direction as he was. The water was only a mirror for the moon and the clouds in the sky. I felt desperate, lonely and confused. My body shivered from the cold air and I tried to choke back tears but they flooded out. It wasn't my mother (or brother) that I was crying about. It was Christian.
    "Please tell me that you love me and that you still want to be with me."
    "Audrey--," He drew out my name in a pained way. He was frustrated by his helplessness, "We shouldn't talk about this now."
    "It can't be worse than anything that's happening. Just be honest with me."
    "I've always been honest with you," He was almost defensive about it. He had a right to be.
    "I didn't sleep with Adrian."
    He groaned a little.
    "Audrey, this whole thing is so completely fucked that I don't even know where to begin."
    "Talk to me. Can you just speak to me? Say something."
    His voice was warm. I wanted to blanket myself in it.
    "I bought Son of Fury and I watched it, like, fifteen times. I was trying to figure out what you saw in Frances Farmer."
    "Did you figure it out?"
    "Not really. I thought that I came close but I was distracted."
    "By what?"
    "Norton reissued a bunch of Roky Erickson vinyl. I was standing outside of the record store before ten a.m. on Tuesday."
    "Did you have any competition?"
    "No. I was the only customer they had for at least an hour."
    There was an awful silence. 
    "I should get off of the phone," I said but I didn't mean it.
    He hesitated before he admitted,
    "I'm scared," Christian sighed, "Fuck. There. I said it. I can't eat, Audrey, and I can't sleep and I had these awful pains in my chest. Adam took me to the hospital because I thought that I was having a heart attack and the doctor told me that it was just anxiety. Just emotional. I don't know what to do. It never felt this bad before. I want to say to you that it's okay and that everything is going to be alright and that we can work through it but I don't know that because I don't trust that. I don't trust you right now."
    "I'm so sorry."
    "And I'm so far away, " He whispered, his voice broke a little.
    "If you can just wait until after I'm done in Bellingham..."
    "We can't talk about it now."
    "Why?"
    "You have to get through this thing with your mom."
    "If Adrian wasn't here, you would be here, right?"
    "If you asked me to, I would be there, even with Adrian there."
    "I can't put you through that and I can't ask him to leave."
    "I know. I hate it and I know."
    "I'm sorry."
     My brother pretended to take my nose again and held his mouth ajar as if surprised.
    "Will you call me to let me know what's going on? With your mom, I mean."
    "Sure."
    "I love you."
    "Could you say it again?" I begged.
    "I love you."

     I closed my phone and turned to Eugene.
    "I haven't spoken to you in five years and I decided to take a call from a man who doesn't even know if he wants to talk to me," I confessed.
    Eugene shrugged, "What would we talk about anyway?"
    "I don't know."
    "Probably the guy that you were talking to on the phone. Which, to be honest, is awkward."
    "It's a weird situation."
    "No, I meant awkward for me. I can't even stomach the thought of Jane with men, let alone you."
    "It isn't like I'd like to think of you with anyone."
    "Who are these men? Since we're talking about it anyway."
    "It isn't important."
    "Hmmm--"
    I became annoyed, "Don't do that. I hate it when you do that."
    "Do what?" Eugene inquired innocently.
    "You make that sound when you are thinking something but not saying it."
    "It isn't my place. I know that you have some guy on the phone telling you that he loves you or something and some guy in the grandparents' living room. I'm guessing that they aren't the same guy."
    "You guessed right."
    "You're mixed up."
    "Oh Eugene, I don't know what to do."
    "Who are you talking to, sweetheart?" My grandfather asked from behind me. Startled, I looked over at him. I turned back to Eugene but he wasn't there.
    "No one. Maybe myself."