I was staring up at the ceiling of my trailer as Noah was trying to figure out how to work around the rain.
  
    "Knock-knock," Holly said as she opened the door to my trailer, "Where have you been?"
    "Home," I lied, "Noah shut us down for a couple of days."
    "I tried calling."
    "I needed some time alone."
    "Christian..."
    I cringed to hear her say his name,
    "I don't want to talk about Christian."
    Holly exhaled relief, "It pleases me to hear you say that. Here," She handed me a potted miniature pink rose bush. I sat up to receive the gift and smiled at her.
    "Thank you. You didn't have to do this," I said as though accepting some grand apology.
    "Oh, I'm not sorry for what I said the other day. I meant it... every last word of it," She stubbornly corrected me, "They aren't from me. They're from Adrian. You remember Adrian? From the party?"
    I remembered Adrian too well and embarrassingly so. He went from imaginary to real at a startling rate and I wasn't even a little comfortable with my first thought of him.
    "I remember. Why would he send me flowers? Through you?"
    "Why does any man send a woman flowers?" She beamed, "And they are only through me because I just ran into him while I was getting a coffee. We're going out with him tonight."
    "You and Adam?" I asked.
    "You and me and Adam."
    "Not tonight, Holly. I can't. Work."
    "I spoke to Noah. He's about to give up the ghost. It's too wet."
    "I don't want to go," I protested.
    "Why not? Look, it's going to be really casual. You can wear what you're wearing now. Though I wouldn't suggest it," She muttered that last part. I rolled my eyes.
    "No."
    "Please!" She begged in an exclamation, "I've already made the dinner reservations. I rented out the balcony for a show."
    "No."
    "Just this one time, Audrey."
    "Holly, I don't really want t...."
     "Please..... Please.... Please!"
    "AGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" 
    She tilted her head, happily, "I will pick you up at eight."

***

    Not in a suit, or in the movies-- Adrian was the embodiment of everything great about rock and roll.
   
    He was dressed in stovepipe black jeans and a Birthday Party t-shirt worn beneath a leather jacket. Immaculate navy blue Keds were at his feet. He didn't appear sloppy. Everything seemed put together with a careless ease that suited him perfectly.
    His good posture was most impressive.
    I shut down as he approached the table. I blushed and looked down into my drink or at the napkin resting on my lap. I had that feeling that I used to get in school when I had a crush on someone. I wanted to get as far away from that person as possible. I wanted that person to ignore the fact that I existed because I knew that the acceptance of my existence was merely the first step in what would doubtlessly be a terrible ending.
    And, well, Adrian was far too good looking.
    I was hopelessly attracted to him and hated myself for being so but more importantly I hated Holly for putting me in this situation. Holly wanted me to like him and I wanted to loathe him to spite her.
    My head was all fogged up with Christian, anyhow, and, for some inexplicable reason, I felt a loyalty to him. Maybe it was because I wasn't afraid of being rejected by Christian seeing as to how Christian had already outwardly rejected everyone. No matter what the reasoning was, even though I was sitting beside Adrian, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what I was going to do about Christian. As though there was anything that I could have possibly DONE about him.
    Dinner was practically unbearable. I wasn't good for conversation and I couldn't bring myself to look anyone in the eye. I stared over their shoulders towards the door. I wasn't waiting for anyone to walk through it--I was waiting for the moment that I would be permitted to walk out of it.
    I was desperate to look at Adrian but whenever the attempt was made to steal a glance at him, he was attentive, giving me a kind smile with the anticipation of words that I might have spoken.
    My purse vibrated at my feet with what were no doubt numerous text messages from Noah. They were threats made to get sleep, to shape up and to not destroy the film that we had both worked so hard to build together. In the early stages of production we were both so enthusiastic that it seemed less of a film and more of an empire... a staged world takeover.
    When I came to the present and out of my own head-- Adrian, Adam and Holly were pleasantly chuckling at something that they all found to be incredibly humorous. Somewhere I had missed the joke.
    I excused myself to the restroom and sat in a bathroom stall for at least five minutes. I was trying to clear my head-- a vacant attempt at not thinking at all.
    Once in a while a warm thought of Seattle would push itself into my brain. It would be a glimpse of my old job or my best friend euphorically happy at some show. I choked these thoughts until they disappeared from consciousness.
    "Everything okay?" Holly asked as I came back to the table.
    I pulled my chair out to sit down and pained a smile,
    "Yeah. I just had to take care of a phone call."

***

    I purposely ignored Adrian for the rest of the evening. I pretended to find the band to be extremely interesting (a boring bunch of beirdos...) or unable to hear him over the music (...with too many goddamn feelings). He offered me a drink that I declined with a wave of my hand. He asked me if I liked the band and I gave a solitary nod. I wordlessly waved goodbye at the end of the night as I rushed into Adam's car leaving Adrian with no choice but to ride home with Holly.
    Adam was my safe bet. He was comfortable and not intrusive.
    Until his cell phone rang.
    "Chhhhhrrriiissstiannn," Adam greeted.
    I dug my fingernails into my thighs.
    "Hol & I went out... uh-huh... some band...fucking terrible," Adam gave me a look and mouthed 'sorry' obviously convinced that I had enjoyed them. Maybe my career as an actress would take off after all. "Oh, some double date... she set up our friend, Audrey..."
    Holly had wanted to kill Adam for introducing me to Christian but this wasn't Adam's fault so much as it was that Adam perceived me as most every man who worked with me in any capacity perceived me. I was "the kid sister". As I listened to the conversation that unfolded between Christian and Adam, I began to realize that, for whatever reason, Holly had kept her big mouth shut about everything that had transpired between myself and Christian.
    But while I was in the car, Adam was being made acutely aware of a situation that I wasn't even completely sure existed.
    His mouth pulled into a straight line and he took even the friendliest of gazes off of me and focused his eyes on the black pavement ahead. His responses to whatever Christian was saying on the other end of the telephone were short and unenthusiastic.
    "Yep.. uh-huh... hey, I gotta go. I'll call you back in about five minutes."
    Adam hung up and rested his cell phone between his legs. He sat silent for a moment.
    "So." He began for a lack of words.
    "Yeah." I answered sheepishly.
    "Does Hol know?"
    "Yes."
    He appeared uneasy, "And you, uh... she told you... right?"
    "Yes."
    "Everything?"
    "I'm guessing."
    "Hmm--," This dumbfounded him, "Okay. Uh--obviously... it would be in my best interest to stay out of this...but--"
    Adam pulled the car in front of my building.
    "Please don't say anything," I stopped him for the emotional comfort of us both.
    "Thanks," he exhaled, "You want me to walk you up?"
    "I should be okay," I shook his hand as I slid from the passenger seat, "I thank you, sir."
    "Audrey," He paused and his face strained slightly, "Anyone who can't get their feelings figured out isn't worth your time."
   
    There on my doormat sat a small brown box. I tucked it under my arm as I entered the apartment. Adam stayed parked in front of the complex until I was safely inside with a light turned on. I pulled the curtains back and waved to him from my window.

***
    Inside the small brown box were two handmade cassette tapes from Christian. They were rubber banded together and each had track listings typed up on a typewriter. There was no post mark on the box meaning that the package had been hand delivered--which was surprising considering that I had never invited Christian over to my apartment before and had no idea of how he figured out where it was that I lived.
    It would have seemed creepy if it hadn't been so considerate.
    Both tapes had a different homemade cover. There was one that had a color photocopy of an old radio station control panel. The picture looked to have been taken some time in the 1960s... ideal for everything that appealed to Christian's musical tastes.
    The spine of the tape was labelled 7-19-95 radio show. It was Christian's radio show. He would have been twenty-one when that show had been recorded. It was pre-Jolene... pre-nervous breakdown.
    The cover of the other tape was a black and white picture of record spines. It was an actual photograph, not one clipped out of a magazine. It seemed like old film stock and old paper but the photo wasn't aged at all. It seemed modern.
    I dug my tape deck out of one of the moving boxes in my small empty apartment. Everything that I owned was still in boxes (most of which were still taped shut). I had a few articles of clothing in an open suitcase and an air mattress on the floor. The records were in milkcrates, not yet on shelves, and I hadn't eaten a single thing in my apartment so there wasn't any food or dishes to speak of.
    I played the tape with the record cover first. It was a mix tape and most of it was exactly what I would have expected from Christian (including The Seeds, Can't Seem to Make You Mine) but there were a couple songs that took me by surprise. There was The Cure, Let's Go to Bed (this was confusing in the sense that I didn't know if he was being ironic or sincere), The Nerves, Hanging on the Telephone and of all of the dumb, not rock'n'roll songs in the world, Death Cab for Cutie, We Laugh Indoors.
    That one seemed to disturb me the most because I wanted to believe that someone could feel that way about me. Someone could be in love with me but not tell me. I couldn't understand why the narrator of the song wouldn't tell her. Was he too proud? Why did he help her pack up her things so that she could leave him? Why didn't he ask her to stay? Was he a coward? Or was she spoken for?
    I was sore at Christian for using that song. Even if he was using it because he thought that he meant it, it felt like he was just throwing it around. I was questioning how I really felt about Christian and if he was trying to tell me that he felt that way about me then he was being as big of a coward as the narrator of that song.
   
    I turned my phone on in time for it to ring with a blocked phone number.
   
    "Audrey?" The man's voice was calm; soothing.
    "Yes?"
    "Hi. It's Adrian-- Braughtigan," He paused as though I wouldn't be able to place him, "You might remember me from such great dinners as...tonight?"
    I laughed. My heart thudded against my ribs for no good reason.
    "Hi," I breathed in an attempt to keep my voice still and emotionless.
    "Am I bothering you? Holly gave me your number."
    "Did she pay you to take it?"
    "No," He suppressed laughter, "I enjoyed seeing you tonight."
    "I can't imagine how. I didn't speak to you."
    "Maybe that's what I liked. Most of my dates are talkative," He joked then quickly apologized, "I'm sorry. Was that mean?"
    "No, not incredibly."
    "Would you be able to go out again this week? What I mean is, would you like to?"
    I had to keep myself from swooning. I wiped sweating palms on my jeans.
    The call waiting beeped. I groaned and pulled the phone from my ear to look at the screen. It was Noah.
    "Adrian, my boss is on the other line. May I call you with my answer tomorrow?"
    "Of course. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
    "Tomorrow," I confirmed.
    "Good night, Audrey Moriarty."
    "Good night."
    I exhaled, elated, momentarily forgetting the situation at hand. The phone beeped again and I shook Adrian from my head.
    "This is a friendly reminder that you need to be to work at six a.m. Do you need me to call you at five?"
    "No thanks. I'll be there tomorrow. Right as rain," I took a metaphoric stab at Noah's weak spot. The weather.
    "Hardeeharhar," He faked laughter, "Do me a favor and get some sleep. You've been a real mess lately."
    "As complimentary as this conversation is--," I began sarcastically.
    "Get some slee--,"
    I hung up on him before he could finish.

***

    I stayed awake listening to the tapes that Christian made me. Whenever one side would end, I would flip the tape over and press play until, eventually, I had turned the same tape over at least three times.
    I fell asleep listening to Christian's voice. Twenty-one year old Christian narrating what songs were playing and how to get them. He was about sixteen years younger when he recorded that radio show but the voice was the same. Even toned and sweet.
    I turned off the light when I got tired and brought the tape deck over to my bed. I draped my arm across the player. I pretended that the radio was Christian and that we weren't awkward or afraid. It was okay for me to touch him. I had no pride and nothing to lose.
    I kissed the corner of the plastic speaker and allowed myself to drift off.

***

    I was woken up by a light knocking on my door at three a.m.. I clicked on a light and gently padded over to the door. I peeked through the peephole to see Christian on the other side. I leaned against the door, trying to think of what to do. My assumption was that Christian was there to give me the talk that Holly had warned me about. The one where he would tell me that he couldn't see me anymore-- even if that was what you could call what we were doing.
    I wasn't ready for the talk, it was too soon for the talk, I had been expecting the talk but I didn't want it. I supposed that it was better sooner than later. I wouldn't have wanted to torture myself for a whole month, anyhow, but I felt like I still hadn't dug deep enough into Christian. I felt like I had gotten further than other women had but I hadn't gone far enough. Why would he give me these tapes and then give me the talk? It didn't make sense but at the same time, I wasn't sure that anything that I had learned about Christian made any sense.
    I stood absolutely still beside the door, holding my breath.
    "Audrey, I know that you're home," Christian spoke softly, "I can see light and your shadow underneath the door. You should maybe shove a rug or something under there so that no one can see. Just a suggestion."
    "Now isn't a good time," I told him.
    "Please talk to me."
    "It's 3 a.m. Please go home," I begged.
    "Are you alone?"
    "That's none of your business--yes."
    I heard him slide down the door and plop down on the doorstep.
    "Then I'm going to sit here until you open the door."
    I sat on my side of the door.
    "What did I do?" He asked.
    "Nothing."
    "Should I have done something?"
    "I don't know," I should've given up and admitted that he didn't do anything wrong but that would've felt like being defeated. I groaned, "So, what's with the cassette tapes?"
    "Did you listen to them?" He sounded surprised.
    "Yes. Where do you keep the non-psychedelic records?"
    "Garage," He corrected, "I keep them in my closet."
    "Why?"
    "Because it's more personal and I don't want anyone to know about it. No one gets too deep about the Electric Prunes, do they? But the second you bring up Lou Barlow or someone they think that they've got a window into who you are."
    "I can see that. What are you trying to tell me?"
    "I thought that it was pretty clear."
    I sighed with disgust, "Oh please! The Cure, Let's Go to Bed? I know that you aren't being sincere."
    "And what if I was?"
    "Oh! What if you were?!"
    "I am...being sincere."
    I hesitated, "Are you here to tell me that you don't want to see me anymore?"
    "No, I'm just here to see you."
    "In the middle of the night?"
    "I couldn't sleep. I got nervous," He admitted, "I didn't know that you were seeing anyone."
    "I'm not seeing anyone. Holly made me go."
    He sighed, "She can be unrelenting."
    "I know," I slowly reached up and turned the doorknob, pulling the door open. I looked around the edge at him. He didn't look terrible, he looked like himself.
    "Hi," He greeted.
    "Hi," I replied, "Do you want to come in?"
    Christian rose to his feet, brushed the dust off of himself and sauntered through the door, pushing it shut.
    He crouched down to where I was seated on the floor and kissed me, pressing his lips to my lips. Stunned, I touched his face with the palm of my hand, feeling his hair between my fingertips. I peeled his coat from him.
    Though he lacked hesitation, Christian was nervous. He knew what he was doing and yet he trembled. He wasn't practiced. We bumped noses and foreheads, we accidentally poked each other or jabbed each other with our elbows. I took him to my bed, he tried to kick off his shoes but couldn't and chuckled and shook his head as he leaned forward to untie them. Despite our clumsiness, we continued to kiss.
    There was the sensation of his thumb caress against the skin just under the hem of my shirt.
    My alarm incessantly buzzed.
    Christian collapsed by my side.
    "Please don't say that you have to go," He mumbled into my shoulder.
    I remained quiet.
    "Your silence speaks volumes," He again mumbled. He looked around the room.
    "Your apartment is really--"
    "Empty. I know."
    "I was going to say nice but empty is probably a better adjective."
    "I don't know what you could see that's nice about it. There isn't anything in it."
    "Well, it has good structural design."
    "Structural design?"
    "Yes."
    "Hmm--"
    "Okay, so what's with the empty?"
    "Nothing. I don't have time to buy furniture or unpack so it will probably stay like this until I leave."
    I didn't understand why I had mentioned leaving because I hadn't thought about leaving until the moment that I had said it. I wasn't sure of what I was going to do after I was done working on Noah's film but I did know that I had signed a one year lease for the apartment.
    Christian looked terrified at the mention of my going.
    "Leaving?"
    "Maybe when the film is done," I continued speaking without thinking, "I don't belong here."
    "Maybe you don't feel like you belong here because you don't have anything that feels like it belongs to you. You go to a film set that is temporary, you fill in for Jared's radio show, you come to an apartment full of boxes and an air mattress..."
    "It's a nice air mattress," I said.
    "Yes, it is a nice air mattress but like everything else it's temporary. You aren't grounded."
    If I wasn't grounded then was I floating? When had I ever been grounded? I had spent the last six years of my life in a van, where it was impossible to hide anything from anyone.
    "At least I have good structural design," I mocked.
    "Audrey," Christian buried his face in my neck.
    "Maybe I shouldn't listen to what anyone says."
    Christian knew that I was talking about Holly because his response was,
    "It's okay. Holly is right. I deserve everything that's coming to me. I can't stop you from seeing other people..."
    "She made me go," I snapped.
    "Even still, I don't have anything to offer you. I can't say anything to you that would make you believe me except that I promise to hate the idea of you with someone else..."
    "There isn't anyone else," I felt like I was lying, though, technically, I wasn't.
    "Just don't leave me in the dark about it."
   
    It seemed like a simple enough request.

    I wasn't sure that I could emotionally trust Christian so there was some resentment at his laying beside me. At the same time, Christian couldn't be blamed for how I felt.
    The one thing that I was certain of was that Christian wasn't capable of intentionally harming anyone. He just didn't want to get hurt himself. Over the years he had allowed his hurt to be magnified instead of curbed. This is what caused him to cut the ties that would bind him to anyone, and, well, it was sort of sweet in a dysfunctional kind of way.
    After I came to these conclusions, I began to feel a lot of compassion for Christian. I couldn't dislike him for being in pain. When I first met Christian, I wanted him to love me, but the more that I got to know Christian, the less I felt that him loving me was important and the more I felt that I wanted to love him.
    "I left a key for you on top of the tape deck," I whispered to him as I was about to leave. He looked tired and was nodding in and out of sleep as I was getting ready for work.
    "I should go," He replied.
    "No. Stay. Sleep."
    "Alright."
    "Goodbye Christian."
    I snuck out of the apartment as quietly as possible.
   
***

    On the way to set, somewhere between whether I was going to take the freeway or side roads, a thought about Eugene made itself known. I couldn't remember having seen my brother asleep. In twenty-some years, I had never taken notice. I remembered his body stretched out on the brown velvet sofa in our mother's living room but no matter how far I dug into my memory, I couldn't picture his eyes closed and him at absolute rested peace.
    Peace.
    As soon as I paused on the word peace, my brother went back to being his own suicide.   

***
   
    All of the lights were on in my apartment when I arrived home. I noticed it from the street in front of my building. At first I didn't think much of it. Maybe Christian had returned to give me my key back or maybe he had forgotten to turn off everything when he left.
    I began to worry when I was about halfway up the stairs and heard voices. A robbery in Los Angeles? Big fucking surprise.
    I tried to call Christian but there wasn't an answer. I tried Holly next but she didn't answer, either. Finally, I tried Noah but after the third ring, I was kicked to voicemail. I should've called the police but, in my own stupidity, decided that I was too angry to allow someone to mess with me and was going to play the hero. Besides, the way that my life was going-- getting shot didn't exactly seem like the worst thing in the world.
    I dug down into my purse for something that could be used as a weapon but the best that I could come up with was a ballpoint pen. I held it as though it were a switchblade as I opened the door.

    "Oh good! She's going to write us to death!" Adam announced. There was laughter at my expense and nine sets of eyes looking back at me. I dropped the pen to the floor.
    There was Christian, Holly, Adam, Noah, Sara, Adrian, Jared, Emily and Sophie (Jared and Emily's 5-year-old daughter)... and all of the cardboard boxes were gone.
    The records were organized on IKEA record racks. The air mattress had been replaced with a full-size bed. There was a small writing desk with the four-track set up on it and the guitar cases leaned up against that. A flat-screen tv on the wall and a kitchen table that could seat two... there were lamps...
   
    I didn't even know where my suitcase was.
   
    "What's going on?" I questioned.
    Holly put an arm around me, "Isn't it wonderful, darling? Christian called Adam and I this morning and asked us to come over to help. The three of us spent all day unpacking and buying furniture. We went for a 1965 Brilcreem era kind of design. I know how you like that sort of thing."
    "But--"
    Holly stopped me, "We want you to stay here. Don't go back to Washington."
    I looked at Christian and then to Adrian. I found it strange that the two of them were in the same room until I realized that Christian didn't know that Adrian was who I had gone on the date with and Adam and Holly didn't have the nerve to fill him in on it. I knew that Adrian being there was Holly's doing.
    Adrian shook my hand and leaned in to whisper, in a conspiratorial sort of way,
    "I got you a succulent because they're easy to take care of."
    I looked at the plant on the table.
    "I'm terrible with house plants," I whispered back.
    "Most people are and they don't have the schedule that you do."

    I wanted to say something to Christian but wasn't sure of what besides thank you. I approached him as everyone was listening to Jared tell a story about the trip that he just took to Japan (which was why I was covering his show).
    Christian slipped me my housekey, I put it in my pocket but didn't want to take it back. I cupped a hand between my mouth and his ear and whispered as quietly as possible.
    "Can I talk to you in private?"
    "Sure. Where?"
    "The bathroom?" I suggested.
    I locked the door behind us. He got this funny look upon his face. It was a mixture of anger, disappointment and cynicism.
    "It was Adrian," He pointed to the door.
    I was confused, "What was?"
    "The guy that Holly tried to set you up with? I feel stupid."
    "You shouldn't feel stupid."
    He groaned, thick with jealousy, "I should've seen this coming. She was so excited to invite him and what with that incredibly thoughtful houseplant..."
    I spewed forth words that I didn't even know were waiting to come out of me. Dangerous words that could change everything.
    "Christian, I really like you."
    I couldn't believe that I had said it. It wasn't that I didn't mean it, actually I had meant it, but it was a safe bet. It was grade school terminology. It was as though I had handed him a sheet of notebook paper with "Do you like me? Circle one. Yes or no," scrawled on it.
    While I was beating myself up over careful words, Christian was trying to choose his and came back at me with,
   
    "Audrey, I love you."
   
    This did not compute. My eyes had seen his lips forming the words and my ears had heard them but my mind couldn't figure out how.
    Everything that I knew about Christian dictated that he didn't use those words in a romantic sense and that he hadn't for close to a decade.
    This meant that he couldn't have meant them in a romantic sense. He must've meant,
    "Audrey, I love you in that t-shirt," or "Audrey, I love you like a friend."
    In the midst of my panic, I took a good look at Christian and saw sincerity. I remembered the night that he told me that he hadn't felt about anyone the way that he felt about me and it sunk in. I got it.
    But I didn't have a response for it.
    Christian allowed the silence to stretch out for a few moments, accepted that I didn't have anything to say on the matter and continued on with a new subject.
    "I can't stay for the rest of the party. I have a flight to London at 6 a.m. I haven't packed, yet and I can't remember where my passport is."
    "Why are you going to London?"
    "I'm filming a travel special. The person they originally hired dropped out and I didn't get the call until today. I'll be back in two weeks."
    I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. Two weeks was unphasing to me. I was used to not seeing people that I cared about for months at a time, but the abruptness in which he was leaving after the words had been spoken was confusing for me.
    I sat on the bathroom counter, running my fingers up and down his arms, holding his hands, tucking his hair behind his ears, rubbing my thumb against his lips and his cheeks.
    I wanted to say something about those words.
    "Christian, about--"
    He knew where I was going with the sentence and stopped me.
    "We can talk about it when I get back. Think about it."
    "Please don't leave, yet."
    "A-ha! Now you know how it feels!" He smirked, looked down at his watch and shook his head, "I should've left ten minutes ago. My friend, Jason, is staying at my house while I'm gone and I have to walk him through some things."
    I kissed him.
    "I can stay five minutes," He admitted. I covered his watch with my hand so that he couldn't see the time.
    Five minutes passed and then five more before Christian pulled himself from me, exited the bathroom, said his goodbyes to my friends and left.
    Holly gave me an angry, dirty, disappointed look as I made my way back into the living room.